


Being As In Love With You As I Am

by orphan_account



Series: Human [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Destiel if you look, Gen, Heartache, Mute!Castiel, Self-Destruction, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-15
Updated: 2013-07-15
Packaged: 2017-12-20 05:39:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/883569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The heartache he felt was worse than his hand, and love was worse than he imagined.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being As In Love With You As I Am

The wall was now splattered with blood, tears continued to run down his cheeks and he was breathing heavily. The air which smelled of misty rain, pollution, alcohol and cheap burgers now had a copper undertone to it, it was satisfying in a disturbed way. The few who walked past him in the alley gave him strange looks, muttering to each other but quickly fell silent when he turned and glared. 

Castiel looked down at his hands which were now raw red and dripping with blood. He took several deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself down, but instead the image of Dean with that woman came flooding back into his mind. Anger flared through him, so he gritted his teeth and began to punch the wall once more - the bins weren’t satisfying enough - with tears streaming down his face.

With each hit, memories would come flooding back.

Him and Dean laughing, joking, lightly touching fingers, getting closer to each other before turning away to take a swig of beer, the stares, the small smiles, the rare chaste kiss when Dean was too drunk to remember it the next day. All of it, what should have meant something was just a _lie_. Those small gestures meant nothing and it _pissed him off._

His arms were now aching, his breathing now short and shallow. He physically couldn’t move his arms anymore, so instead he kicked a trashcan multiple times before collapsing on a crate in defeat, placing his head in tender hands, remembering the conversation from a week ago.

_Castiel was pretty drunk by this point, however his stomach was still twisting at the mere thought of asking Dean. He took another swig, decided ‘fuck it all’ and grabbed Dean’s hand._

‘How do you feel about men?’

_Dean froze for a moment, and looked at Castiel who slowly looked up. The two stared at each other, the smell of beer and tobacco mingled with each other. Dean licked his lips and whispered, “Why’re you asking?”_

_Castiel’s breath caught in his throat and looked away. He wondered weather or not it was worth the risk to ruin their friendship, to make everything awkward around each other and so on. He glanced up at Dean who now looked - hopeful? - confused, before he grabbed his hand, a fake smile plastered on his face._

‘I was just curious,’ _he paused, his finger hovering over Dean’s hand then let out a small, fake chuckle - which of course came out as small puffs of air -_ ‘I know you’re heterosexual anyway.’

_Castiel pulled away when he noticed Dean tense up, he quickly finished the last of his beer then hurried to the kitchen his stomach still twisting with worry._

Now that he thought about it, _really_ thought about it, that was his chance. Anger and frustration swelled up inside him, tears streaming down his cheeks. He had a chance, he and Dean could be together in a private room instead of Dean and that woman he met an hour before.

He quickly stood up and began to kick the metal bin. He wanted this feeling out of him, he wanted the knot in his stomach to go away and the hole in his chest to be filled. But it wasn’t going to happen.

_Because it was too late._

Castiel let out a silent cry of defeat and punched the wall once more. He felt something crack and a hot pain shot through his hand, he quickly held it to his chest, knowing what had happened but too scared to look at the damage. He stood there for a few moments, cradling his chest when he heard footsteps echo up the alleyway.

“Cas!”

He looked up to see Sam walking towards him with quick strides, worry was etched into his face.

“Cas, where were you?” Sam asked, his voice laced with concern. He stopped when he noticed the kicked in bins, the now blood stained wall and the tear stained cheek. “Oh God, Cas,” he muttered gently, walking towards him slowly. Sam quickly inspected the damage, and saw how Castiel’s legs were buckling slightly, he sighed. 

“Can you walk?” 

Castiel simply shook his head, which hurt. God he was hurting, both mentally and physically. Sam gave him a pitying look, before lifting him up with ease. Castiel winced slightly, but just gritted his teeth and went along with it. After ten minutes, they arrived at the Impala which was parked outside the bar. 

Dean was leaning against the Impala, grinning away with love bites on his neck and ruffled hair. When he noticed Castiel, his smile vanished and he quickly ran towards them. When Dean was over Castiel, he could smell the cheap, sweet perfume.

And it made him _sick._

“Oh my God Cas what the hell happened?” Dean asked, checking for any major damage. His face went dark when he noticed Castiel wince and pull his hand closer to his chest. “What happened?” he repeated, his voice low and dangerous.

“Some teenagers jumped him,” Sam said, walking to the car, “I only just found him when they ran.”

“What? And you didn’t even bother to chase them?” Dean demanded.

Sam turned round sharply - Castiel took a sharp breath - and glared. “Dean, what was I supposed to do? I had to make sure Cas was okay first!”

Dean’s face softened and he let out a sigh. When Sam gently placed Castiel in the back seat, Dean leaned in, checking once again for anything really major. He paused when he noticed where the injuries were, then glanced at Castiel before asking, “Cas… _are_ you okay?”

Castiel closed his eyes, took a deep breath and grabbed Dean’s hand. With a shaking, blood encrusted finger he wrote on his palm, _'Yes Dean, I'm fine.'_

Dean looked at him closely for a minute before, standing up and shutting the door. As the car roared into life, Castiel gently rested his head against the window.

 _I don’t understand why humans say that love is the most amazing thing to happen,_ he thought, glancing over at Dean and feeling sick when he saw the marks on his neck. He closed his eyes and let out a quiet sigh.

_It fucking sucks._

**Author's Note:**

> What I've learned is that if you love someone who is very close to you, sometimes it's for the best not to go ahead with your actions.
> 
> However, you are fully entitled to be angry with yourself when you realise that you've missed an opportunity. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I know, they're all OOC but I just, I really had to right it write now. Also, it's been a while since I've uploaded anything.


End file.
